Listening: What happens when we are listened to?

Listening is perhaps the single most important skill in the coaching and mentoring toolbox, it is also a very powerful life-skill, underutilised and much underestimated in its impact and capability.

The Brain

There can be immediate benefits for the ‘speaker’ within the very earliest stages of a listening interaction. In very simple terms our senses evolved to identify threats to survival. Structures in the brain respond quickly, even before we are consciously aware or ‘thinking’ about the threat.

Our senses pick up information and can create responses without our conscious intervention. Being listened to works with this emotional and intuitive capability. The outcomes of these mainly unconscious processes can be rapid and profound.

Emotional Alignment

At an individual and inter-personal level, as a conversation begins, being listened to creates emotional alignment between speaker and listener – the coachee and coach. This ‘feeling’ interaction precedes the ‘thinking’ processes. Both coach and coachee will have parallel ‘intuitive’ responses. If both are experiencing similar positive responses then the connection between the individuals fosters a sense of calm, as stress and fear subside within the coachee.

The Coaching ‘Chemistry test’

Within a coaching and mentoring context, both coach and coachee will be checking their individual reactions to the other person and making both conscious and unconscious responses, judgments and decisions.

Testing the effective creation of emotional alignment would be a part of the ‘Chemistry test’ in the coaching process. There will be other factors to consider such as appropriate skills etc. but a shared emotional sense of trust is a significant indication of potentially successful engagement in coaching.

Stress Reduction

Both consciously and unconsciously the coachee’s emotions are regulated by the process of being listened to. As the coaching conversation continues, with careful, thorough and skilful listening being practiced by the coach, their behaviour helps to reduce any feelings of threat, fear or uncertainty within the coachee.

Being listened to can help with recognising and potentially reassessing the true scope and scale of stress-inducing thinking. Negative thoughts can recycle through the conscious mind, creating an unending stressful spiral. Stress can be reduced through the coachee vocalising those thoughts.

Improved Emotional Well-being

Listening helps to promote relaxation and emotional balance as thoughts are processed. This can be witnessed even in the early stages of engagement as the coachee might visibly ‘breathe’ and relax, change their facial expression or body language, reassessing and then letting go of their stress.

The further reduction of stress builds a sense of security, allowing the conversation to focus on deeper issues. A positive cycle of reinforcement is potentially started.

Building Trust and Connection

Synchronization and shared feelings between the coachee and the coach build trust and rapport, which strengthens bonds between the coach and coachee, and further encourages openness, vulnerability, and mutual respect.

Catharsis

Reduced stress, enabled through being listened to, creates the opportunity for learning and change.

Hearing themselves tell and harmonise their various stories can provide insights for the coachee, and also for the coach as listener. In more detailed exploration of the stories, further understandings, insights and clarity can be achieved. This process is cathartic for the coachee, providing release, and relief from, strong or repressed emotions.

Catalyst for Change

The listening process is also catalytic, as the trust established between the coach and the coachee enables further clearer thinking, reflection, feedback, checking and testing and even challenge.

Enhanced Emotional Intelligence

Self-awareness is the foundation for emotional intelligence. Being listened to enhances self-awareness, providing the coachee with tools and insights for improved self-management and the opportunity to review their awareness and understanding of others.

What Listening Enables

Being listened to is a foundation for personal development, providing the coachee with insights which can subsequently lead to behaviour change.

In my coaching practice, working with senior leaders and the emerging talent within organisations, giving these key individuals ‘a good listening to’ enables:

• Calming
• Catharsis: a release that frees individuals from emotional burdens.
• Reflection: confidentiality and safe navigation of their thoughts, feelings, and intentions
• Exploration: a space for considering new information, advice, or decisions
• Enhanced emotional intelligence – a realistic self-assessment, improved self-awareness
• Openness and adaptability: a willingness to explore new ideas or perspectives.
• Enhanced influence: by reciprocating these experiences with others, leaders gain greater awareness of, and connectedness with others
• Decision-making: The clarity and confidence to make decisions and implement change

Join the Conversation

What is your experience of being listened to, what happened for you?

How could that experience be improved?

What were the benefits? What were the outcomes?

What feedback or suggestions would you make to improve your experience of being listened to?