Listening: Why is it so difficult to open-up?

In this post I identify a few of the barriers to being listened to - the barriers that could prevent any potential ‘speaker’ from opening up and engaging in the executive coaching context.

If listening is so helpful, why might people find it difficult to open-up? Why is it so hard to speak about our thoughts, feelings, and struggles, even when we know it might help? Is there something about leadership, listening and being listened to?

Society and Behavioural Barriers

We all love to give advice to others in conversations but all too often, to ensure our own views and recollections are heard, we talk-over and interrupt each other.

With all our current time-challenges it can be difficult to find the time and place to have a proper conversation.

Social media has complex effects, our culture today is less tolerant of divergent individual views, we may worry about being ‘cancelled’ or offending someone, so we 'hold back'.

‘Being heard’ is a parallel and complicating issue within society, with concerns around debate and free speech, openness and confidentiality, ‘hate’ and offence, and even ‘whistleblowing’.

Emotional Barriers

We may be cautious about emotions that might arise in a conversation and deliberately avoid what might be a difficult subject.

Fear of judgment is a major roadblock. Clients may wonder ‘What will they think of me?’

Some clients may feel safer staying within their comfort zones, believing, ‘I know the pain here, what if talking about it makes it worse?'

Control and Independence

Coaching encourages introspection, which can feel like a loss of control to some clients. They may fear being told what to do or losing trust in their own decisions.

Highly independent individuals often equate seeking support with a lack of self-reliance. Expressions such as, ‘I don’t need help,’ or ‘I can work this out for myself,’ are common reasons we will all have heard.

Time constraints are another barrier. Many people feel ‘too busy’ to prioritize personal growth and may dismiss their challenges as ‘not that important.’

Cultural and Personal Values

Privacy, shame, guilt, and personal, family and cultural values can play significant roles in keeping clients silent. In some situations, topics like mental health, career challenges, or personal struggles are taboo. A potential ‘speaker’ may believe ‘We don’t talk about things like that,’ or fear that opening-up will lead to gossip or judgment.

Trust and Risk

Trust is the foundation of any coaching or mentoring relationship, but clients can approach the experience with scepticism. Questions like: ‘Who would really listen to me?’ or ‘Can I trust this person with my secrets?’ highlight the delicate balance of vulnerability and confidentiality.

Many corporate clients hesitate to discuss sensitive topics with specific people in their lives—such as their boss, the board, a non- exec, or colleagues. And this caution around sharing and vulnerability can also mean that friends, family and partners are not considered to be available for various reasons. Some may also have such concerns that they are unable to use official ‘whistle-blower’ channels or approach HR.

'Given' versus 'Actual' Reasons

There are also ‘given’ or stated reasons for not engaging, for example:

• ‘The time isn’t right…’
• ‘I don’t have time… ‘
• ‘We don’t have the budget…’
• ‘I’ve got a lot on – a big ‘project…’
• ‘I’m not ready yet…’
• ‘Things are OK now…

These signal statements could mask the actual or real reasons, and in some cases the reasons for avoiding the ‘listening’ can be complex.

Consider: The CEO who wouldn’t engage because they ‘can’t be seen to be incurring costs for the business at this time...’ A year later their underlying complex problems have ‘surfaced’ with significant business and personal impact.

 Join the conversation:

• How good a listener are you?
• What do you think makes it difficult for people to open-up?
• Do people open-up to you, if so, how do you do that?

In one of the next 'Listening' posts I will explore what happens when we are listened to.