Listening: Using Emotionally Intelligent Self-Awareness
Self-Awareness
Self-awareness – noticing one’s own feelings - is a fundamental life-skill, an essential skill for leaders and it is foundational to effective listening in coaching and mentoring.
Self-awareness in the emotional intelligence context, involves noticing and understanding one’s own feelings and emotions, values, experiences, biases, and behaviours.
For both the coach and the coachee, self-awareness may also have a wider definition, within the coaching conversation, of knowing about themselves, such as their life story, career history, skills and capabilities etc.
If we are not able to be aware of our ‘self’ and know ourselves then we are less likely to be able to fully understand other people. Our ‘self’ can be the instrument for sensing other people.
If I have effective and sufficient self-awareness, I am better able to be aware of the coachee’s feelings. My ability to devote resources to the client will be reduced if I have an ongoing internal dialogue or am unbalanced by sudden recollections of similar experiences transferring into the conversation.
As a coach / listener, I seek to raise my clients’ self-awareness, so having personal self-awareness is a key to both modelling and facilitating that awareness in my client - the coachee/speaker.
Improving Self Awareness Before Any Listening Experience:
Much of the activity around improving our self-awareness as coaches and mentors could be undertaken before the coaching / listening session.
These are actions to consider to enhance one’s own self-awareness as a coach / listener and in good time before any interaction:
Know your background:
- Reflect on your values, principles, boundaries
- Know your own story
- Know your capabilities
Be prepared for your own responses and reactions to a client’s issues. Identify issues that may influence or trigger you, such as:
- Your life experiences, memories
- Trauma, excitement, or hurt
- Views and values on sensitive topics
Be aware of bias: we all have in-built bias, and limited awareness is to be expected.
- Are you aware of your own bias?
- Do you have preferences, or fixed routines?
Acknowledge how training, experience, knowledge, and beliefs shape your perspective.
- How has your training shaped your coaching?
- Has your experience created any changes?
Assess your personality, mood, and motivation for the session.
- How do you react and feel about the client?
Obtain feedback:
- Seek feedback from coachees, colleagues
- Join a peer group of fellow practitioners
Consider having Coaching Supervision
- Use supervision to gain insight into your coaching
- Do you have regular coaching supervision?
Consider and reflect on your use of intuition:
- Do you trust it?
- How do you access it during conversations?
Guidance for Reflection:
- Consider your actions, degree of openness, and areas for improvement
- Use tools or frameworks to test and refine your self-awareness
These factors should help the coach / listener prepare themselves prior to a formal coaching / listening session.
During the Listening Experience
Having worked on our self-awareness our attention can then more easily move to self-management.
If we are sufficiently prepared before the session, we can optimise our focus and devote more concentration and attention to the client.